Friday, December 31, 2004

Arrivederci due mila e quattro

Goodbye, Adieu, Adiós, Auf Wiedersehen, さようなら, 再见

Rarely have I looked forward to a New Year more. It is not because anything particularly amazing will happen this evening, it's just that I want 2004 to go away.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

No Beginning No End

With a few days of 2004 left it's time to reflect on a very unusual year.

I learn't a lot about myself this year, probably more than in any year since my childhood. I have solved some issues which have impacted my health for the last five years. I can think clearly for the first time in many years. I remembered what love truly means (now I just need to track it down again). I remembered what life is meant to be about. I am going to make wholesale changes to my life. I am now a better person. I have become the real me again.

People that I trusted have been deeply dishonest. I have existed rather than lived for the majority of the year. I have come close to truly hating someone for the first time in my life. I have been distant and introverted. I have wasted time, money and effort for no return. I have realised the depth of some of my previous mistakes.

Friday, December 24, 2004

L'amore ci strazierà

Quando l'abitudine corrode a fondo
E le ambizioni sono mediocri
E il risentimento si impenna
Mentre le emozioni non crescono
E noi cambiamo rotta
Imboccando direzioni differenti
Allora l'amore, l'amore ci strazierà di nuovo

Perché la stanza da letto è così fredda?
Ti sei girata dalla tua parte
È il mio ruolo che si è incrinato?
Scorre aridissimo il nostro rispetto
Eppure c'è ancora questa attrazione
Che abbiamo mantenuto nelle nostre vite
Ma l'amore, l'amore ci strazierà di nuovo

Ti lamenti nel sonno
Tutti i miei difetti in vista
E ho un sapore in bocca
Mentre mi attanaglia la disperazione
Per qualcosa di tanto bello
Che proprio non può più funzionare
Ma l'amore, l'amore ci strazierà di nuovo

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Beautiful Stranger

An interesting evening, not what was planned. A previously arranged social event was very rudely cancelled at the last minute. So as an alternative I spent an enjoyable evening with a friend. A few drinks, plenty of lively activity around us. We sat and talked our usual combination of semi-serious conversation mixed with trivia and nonsense.

I have been trying to be more open in recent weeks. In general I have tended not to let people into my private thoughts. Whilst far from being dishonest, I believe it has made me appear cold, somewhat aloof and perhaps untrusting. I guess this blog is also part of me trying to get used to sharing my feelings with others.

Moments Like These

Life is meant to be made up of moments like these:

Watching Morrissey play live on Later, awesome.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Throw Some Bread To The Ducks Instead

It's funny how memories can be so closely associated with music. This evening I sat listening to my life as a soundtrack. Well I listened to about fifteen years worth. It was great.

A positive day today. I've decided that if I am going to be happy all I really need to do is to try. It's all too easy to passively lie back and let sadness wash over you, just because things aren't going your way. It's too easy to accept things that you don't want just because the things you do want are apparently out of reach.

Recommended listening: Anything by Devendra Banhart

Monday, December 20, 2004


How did I become what I am today. It wasn't by design, by plan or through any conscious effort. It seems that I have arrived here through a sequence of very random events (combined with a number of good or bad decisions).

I need to become something else, to reinvent, to improve, to learn from my mistakes. It is possible that I can wipe the slate clean and make a new start. There are risks involved (as there are with anything good). Is it possible to design a new life and do a better job than the random event generator has dealt me so far ?

I guess I need to weigh up the pros and cons, food for thought and perhaps the subject of a later entry.

Sunday, December 19, 2004


I feel that the surface is just about to be broken, perhaps with catastrophic effect. A change is needed, a big one, its now just a case of working out what and when that will be. It's been building for a long time. I have a strong feeling that in the next few weeks things will become clearer.

Tsunami; defn:

An ocean wave with a long period that is formed by an underwater earthquake or landslide, or volcanic eruption. It may travel unnoticed across the ocean for thousands of miles from its point of origin and builds up to great heights over shallower water. Also known as a seismic sea wave, and incorrectly, as a tidal wave.

Nothing is lost

Nothing is lost until you stop looking for it.

This time will pass

"You should stay away from your potential, you know. It's alot like your bank balance - you always have alot less than you think " - Dylan Moran

I've decided I need to cook a lot more. I love cooking. I cooked dinner for some friends this evening and really enjoyed it. So did they. It's funny I've drifted away from cooking in the past three or four years and have only come back to it recently. I think I'm going to be really sad over the next few days and start reading lots of cook books.

Read this today and liked it:

Have you ever watched kids On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
Do you run through each dayOn the fly?

When you ask, "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred choresRunning through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow"
And in your haste, Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi?"

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift...Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower.
Hear the music,
Before the song is over.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Levelling Out

After the weird feelings of yesterday, today I've started to feel better. I always know it will happen, it is triggered by the subtlest of things. A friend left a message on the answer phone, just checking that I was ok. I forget that it is so hard for many of my friends to find the time to do things like that. Most of my friends own one or more of those small devices that consume time in a way that a black hole consumes matter. I’m talking about children.

I don’t have children; at present it is unlikely that I will have any (for reasons that I may discuss later).


Tricky little blighter the human brain, split between the conscious and the subconscious there is supposed to be a balance.

In my case that balance seems to have a time lag, which in some cases appears to be years. My conscious mind has been merrily making decisions that my subconscious does not agree with. Instead of saying anything it seems it has waited for the consequences of those decisions to fully hit home before chipping in with an opinion.